Bad Days and Opening Up to Loved Ones

Bad days are the worst and today I’m having one, at least in this moment. So today I’m using this as an outlet to get what’s going on in my head out on, dare I say, ‘paper’.

I have many things to be grateful for, including being able to spend extra time with my boyfriend today but since I woke up I can’t get out of my own head.

I’ve decided that I need to be screened by a professional that specializes in mental health for depression and bipolar – depression runs in my family and I recently recalled a family member telling me that my grandfather was diagnosed with bipolar. I just know that I’m not functioning how I should and after researching the different conditions I fit the majority of the symptoms. I took a few diagnosing quizzes online yesterday and most of them were saying that I have a good chance of having at least either depression or bipolar, if not both of them.

I have deadlines for many important things in my near future but I just don’t know how to cope. These were things that use to come easily and are now not. I feel lost and like I’m failing but it’s like a cant push through to get them completed. They’re all rushing through my mind, I’m getting that feeling of a racing heart and it’s just getting worse instead of better.

My boyfriend of 6 years, Joe, has noticed that I’m not acting normally and wants me to talk to him about what’s going on, but I guess I’m afraid. He talks about people who can’t complete simple tasks or keep on track and when he does this it’s like he looks down on these people and views them as failures. I’m afraid if I tell him how I’m doing that he’s going to think that I’m a failure like the other people he speaks of pretty frequently. Don’t take me wrong, I do feel like I can talk to him about a multitude of things and I know he cares more than anything. But I’m failing on what my obligations are. I get extremely anxious and then just can’t complete what needs to be done. If I tell him how bad it really is, I just don’t know if he’s going to think, at least somewhere in his head, that I’m like these other people. I do care about everything, I just feel that paralyzing feeling when I go to do something I’m supposed to.

As much as I’ve learned not to let other people opinions or views on my life bother me this is someone in my life that’s very close and important to me.

What did you do when you opened up to your loved ones and friends about your feelings and not being able to cope with things like you use to?

Positive Habits and the New Year

Hello 2013 and anyone who may come across this post-

Like a large amount of the population, I usually descend into the new year with some “New Year Resolutions” only to lose sight of them after a few weeks (or even a month or two if I’m doing good). I mentioned in the previous post that I’m in the midst of attempting to solidify some sort of daily routine that adds positive habits into my life. While this could be seen as “New Years Resolutions” it doesn’t feel that way since my resolutions normally consist of larger milestones that I would like to accomplish before the next year comes to an end. However, it does seem fitting and a bit ironic that I have chosen this time to take on such a feat.

After seeing a family doctor for what I’m assuming is related to anxiety (she prescribed medication, but did not go into detail about a diagnoses) it was suggested to me that I drink less caffeine, start exercising more, and quit smoking to decrease the problems I’m having. These suggestions and feeling like I constantly have no energy or motivation amongst other things is what prompted me to start thinking about my daily habits and how they’re effecting my mind and body.

I’m taking the approach of finding small things I can make sure I’m doing on a daily basis to increase my chances of successfully changing certain aspects of my life instead of coming up with large goals (like making $10,000 a month or taking 1,000 photos a day) with no path to achieving it. My hope is over time that I will be able to stick with these changes and add more complex positive habits. As I’m drawn to technology and always have my iPhone nearby I was searching for apps that could assist me in keeping track of ┬ámy habits. I found a few that look promising and not wanting to shell out any money at this time I have chosen to try two different free apps – “Lift” and “Track and Share”. I’m not sure if I will keep using both or either of them, but I figure that it doesn’t hurt to try them out.

The habits that I have added to “Lift” are currently:

  • Take a shower (pretty simple, right?)
  • Drink 8 or more ounces of water
  • Drink less than 2 sodas
  • Walk for at least 10+ minutes
  • Be grateful for something or someone
  • Take at least one photo
  • Sleep for at least 7 hours
  • Don’t take a nap during the day

So I listed 8 daily habits that I would like to try and accomplish each day, from taking a shower to being grateful for something or someone. Hopefully a combination of all these things will keep me looking forward to something every day.

Happy New Year all!

Frustrated, Paralyzed and Lost

It’s New Year’s Eve, the sun is shining and it’s getting warmer outside. This is the time of year for reflections of the past and contemplating hopes of the future, at least this it been my conception for numerous years before. This year, despite the warmth from outside, I’m in a fog that I cannot seem to break from. I have chosen to begin a blog to document my struggles and convictions as I learn more about anxiety and possible depression. My hope is that instead of staying in my own head all the time that I can share my experience with others and have a greater understanding of what has seemed to have taken over my life the past year.

I have attempted to discuss the way I am feeling and my struggles with the people closest to me in my life as well as a family doctor and I feel as though everyone is blaming it on certain circumstances or not taking what I am trying to convey seriously. While there are certain circumstances in my life that are certainly not helping my issues I feel paralyzed to the point of not being able to take care of what needs to be done to make things get easier. I guess the best way I can explain it as if I’m wanting to move forward but I’m stuck in a room without any doors- and without any doors I obviously can’t escape from the metaphorical room. It’s a very frustrating experience.

I’ve known that something was different in how I was reacting to people and to problems in my life for at least 6 months now. Simple things in life would make me very anxious, like making a phone call to ask someone a question. I would feel my heart start to race and then my mind would not stop over analyzing what was going to happen. It was happening in bursts and my doctor at the time could never get me in for an appointment in a timely manner, always weeks later. As the weeks passed and the appointment began to near I would feel as though I was coping on my own and that I would be okay without any ‘help’. More time passed, the anxious bursts kept happening and I began to shield myself from everything that was making me feel this way. I guess when I think about it this would be when the paralyzing feeling started. I’ve wanted to follow through with my obligations, but I haven’t been able to. I push myself, but I can’t get to that point of getting to where I need to be. It’s a dark and winding road that I can’t seem to get off of. I want to stay in bed all day but find just enough to pretty much just do that and put on a happy face. I know that I want to stop feeling this way and be able to push through my obligations and responsibilities like I always have, but I’m lost as to what I should do next.

The option of seeking the help of a psychologist doesn’t seem like such a far fetched idea but I currently do not have the financial means to do so and do not know what resources to use to find an affordable provider. I have been thinking of beginning a self-help program or workbook, but am unsure of which to choose. I have been trying to start a daily routine and add positive habits but I’m afraid that I won’t succeed. I know that something must be done to get me out of this state of mind, but I’m struggling to even do that much.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What have you done?
What helped you move past anxiety and depression?